Looking for the Light.
People keep asking me how I’m doing with it all.
I always respond with, “I’m okay! How are you?” The exclamation point in there is important.
I never know quite how to respond because ultimately I’m doing just fine. I’m content and reading a lot, which I haven’t been able to do for pleasure since high school. I’m writing again which has filled my soul with warm fuzzy feelings. Let’s not forget I’m talking to colleagues and friends who I’d lost touch with and I’m so grateful for those love-filled connections.
On another note, though, I’m incredibly sad. My heart hurts for friends and family who are out of work. I cried for my friends still in school who don’t get to experience it anymore. My stomach dropped for my colleagues canceling and postponing shows they’ve put dozens of hours of work into.
So how am I doing? Honestly?
I’m alright.
I’ve received many notes on my last post that the positivity in it was heartwarming. I’m so glad I was able to bring that to anyone. The last thing I want to do is dwell on the bad but I’m also making certain that I’m truthful. I won’t sit and write about how everything is rainbows when I know it’s hard for me and so many others in this situation.
The hardest part right now?
Being so far from my family. For those who don’t know, I’m a seven hour drive from my parents and a ten hour drive from my little sister. I miss them on the good days, always, but on the hard ones it is a completely different set of woes (was that phrasing too Shakespearean tragedy?). On Sunday a family member had a stroke and has been in the ICU since, I just found out on Tuesday. Talking to family, the restrictions in the hospital limit time spent per visitor to one hour—and only one person at a time. No one can be in the lobbies, they had to wait in the car to visit with him. Perhaps it is selfish of me to want more for them but the reality of this situation is that they don’t anticipate him living much longer, and I want solace for that pain my family is feeling. If I knew they were getting that then I could maybe be okay with the fact that I’m hundreds of miles from them.
I find hope in the fact I can call them and be there for them, even in my own small way. That doesn’t change that I feel useless in the face of it. I feel tied down by limitation as many of us currently do.
“…The chains are real. But the pure fact of the matter is that art defies the real…Your passion must be greater than your chains or you cannot create art.”
Anna Deavere Smith, letters to a young artist
—First book I read off my list of Theatre Books. This book receives 10/10, everyone should read it!
This quote warmed my heart when I read it last night. It offered me hope and comfort when I was feeling a little lost. I am typically a very positive thinking person, my outlook is very fluid with whatever comes my way. I’ve learned in my twenty-four years of life that I just have to trust myself and trust that there’s a plan for me. Last night I was feeling disoriented, and reading the last half of this book shed some light into the darker pieces of my mind when I needed it.
I missed my family, friends, and making art the way I had been. Luckily for me, Anna has this way of making you feel like you’re sitting across from her in a coffee shop eating a perfectly baked pastry while she gives you thoughtful life advice.
It made me realize that the distance between myself and my family, the quarantine, the isolation, are all just a chain. A chain that is no match for the passion of the artists I know—and stands no chance against my own drive.
This book is a good read for anyone, not just actors and artists. If you have ever felt self doubt or wondered if you were walking the right path, pick up this book for some well deserved soul food.
I love my city. St. Louis is amazing and watching everyone band together has made the dark days bright. I have found so many phenomenal people who have impacted me and helped me grow in ways I didn’t know I was capable of growing.
I woke up today to emails from other artists wanting to work on something, to exciting new Instagram and Facebook events that peers were creating in order to bridge the distance.
Quite quickly some of the dread that had settled on my heart, slid off and into the void. I smiled and took a deep breath before making some coffee and eggs benedict, or as I call my personal recipe: veg benny. Then I settled in to write this with my sweet pup, LeaLou, curling up next to me in our perfect sunroom.
In my last post I mentioned creating a list of things you are grateful for. A ray of sunshine to focus on. Here’s mine, in no particular order:
I’m Grateful For:
My dog LeaLou (honestly, she’s the best dog to ever exist)
Books
My isolation buddy: Oliver
Coffee
Friends and Family
Facetime
All the plants in my home
Shakespeare in the Sheets (its on Instagram, check it out)
A clean home
Music
There’s so much light shining bright in the face of COVID-19. Sometimes we may lose track of it but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Just refocus. Find solace in the little things, in the things you can control, and people who are there for you. Don’t be scared to reach out to people. Don’t hesitate to create something new and please share it with us, we want to be a part of it —I promise.
Show a little love and kindness to people. Shine bright in the face of adversity. Break the chains.
#ShineLikeSpencer
