A New Normal
What’s that even mean?
The whole concept of “a new normal” has been incredibly difficult for me to wrap my head around. Mostly because I don’t want to define this as the new normal—because that implies there’s little hope for change.
I’ve been struggling to write the past several days. It’s been over a week since my last post despite many valiant attempts. I kept writing something followed by erasing the entry. That system just went on repeat day after day. I struggled to come up with what to write, what to say, what to do. I felt useless and I struggled to create, well, anything. I thought about making a silly photo series of pastimes, or writing about only positive things that have come out of this, but something about it felt dishonest. So, I erased.
Today, I realized why those entries felt wrong—I wasn’t being truthful. I’m not coping as well as I’d like. If I posted an entry that was 100% positive, I would be hiding 25% of how I’m actually feeling.
I’m not going to lie to you in order to seem put together or to seem okay if it’s just not the truth.
I’ve had days where I’ve woken up and been extremely productive. I’ve also had days where I wake up and trudge to the couch with a cinnamon roll. I’ve had moments where I’m laughing but I’ve also spent time crying. It’s okay to be sad and hopeful at the same time.
Opposite emotions can coexist in the same moment.
Don’t feel ashamed if you spend time being sad, let yourself feel that.
“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o’er wrought heart and bids it break.”
-The Scottish Play, Act 4 Scene 3
(forgive the theatre superstition)
Perhaps it’s pretentious of me to throw a Shakespeare quote into a casually written blog but these words ring true. Allowing yourself the ability to give voice to all aspects of your feelings, especially the hard ones, I feel is important to coping. Even if that expression is only inward. Even if the only person you say those words to is yourself.
So don’t be ashamed if you spend some time crying, or spend a day (or more) binging a new show, or curl up with a cinnamon roll before anyone else in the house wakes up to see your shame.
It’s okay to cope however you need to. Take it day by day and smile about the things you can.
In our home we’ve started to ask a simple and slightly silly sounding question: “How’s your morale?”
Such a sweet way of asking how one another are feeling. A question that we typically answer in the dog’s voice. Even sillier, I know, but somehow it relieves the pressure of saying the struggles aloud in our own voices and still allows for the truth to be expressed. So I want to ask you:
How’s your morale?
Is it low? High? Hopeful? Sad? There are no wrong answers, and no answer is preferred over another as long as it’s the truth.
I miss my family, I’m sad for them, I ache to hug my friends, and I cannot wait until we exit this triumphantly. I’m happy for those who are finding ways to create, I love connecting with others, and I daydream about all the things I miss. I am constantly feeling something and from moment to moment it can change and shift.
The fact of the matter is: none of us were prepared for this and however we react is okay.
Don’t be ashamed of how you cope. I promise no one is judging you for it, and honestly if they are judging—leave that behind, it’s for the best.
So a new normal?
I don’t know if I’ve actually achieved one yet. I’m having to take it day by day. I’ve coped by focusing on the things I can control and being deliberate about what I’m putting my energy into. Some days I have a lot of energy and on those days I write, read, create, and connect. On other days I have a small amount of energy to expend, on those days it’s harder to feel like myself and that’s okay.
Something I’ve said before when others in my life have faced hardships is also oddly fitting now. It’s the best way I’ve ever expressed my emotions on the days I can’t quite put words to my own feelings
My heart isn’t with me today.
On those days I feel like my heart is with those other people that are in pain. How stilted of me to think that my heart can be with someone else because they’re going through something, right? I believe the expression comes from this overwhelming feeling of empathy as I put thoughts and hopes out into the universe for those that are hurting. In my own way I’m sending a piece of me even if they don’t know it’s there.
I can feel some people rolling their eyes and I know it’s a tad ridiculous but as I sit wanting to help in the biggest of ways, this tiny offering of myself is all I have.
I’m still hopeful for our future. Despite the darkness, I’m clinging to the light I talked about in my last blog.
As Albus Dumbledore says, “happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
So how have I been turning on that light? Reading, writing, delving into the arts, and connecting with those I love. Writing may have been out of reach for me recently but I’ve found hope in the small things.
If there is one thing I’ll be taking away from quarantine, it’s appreciation for the little joys in life. Baking bread, a long bath, a glass of wine, a prolonged hug, and thriving plants, have all been bright lights for me. I’m inspired by all the posts I’ve seen on social media from artists of all mediums showing what they’re creating from their homes. To all those creating: please keep sharing, I love watching and reading what you produce.
So let’s get to one of my favorite things: a list in no particular order!
I’m Grateful For:
As always, LeaLou (I mean, look at her)
Brownie bites
Sunshine
Fuzzy blankets
The wine glass my parents got me for Christmas that has a lid (it’s the glass equivalent of a dress with pockets)
My tiny blue couch in our sunroom
The Mahogany Sessions
Technology
The clown I live with
Laughter
Photo Credit to The Real Moni B Photography
I would love to read your lists if you’re making them, too, please send them my way! Finding light amidst uncertainty in this list form has been a smile inducing act for me, it’s a constant reminder that there’s always something positive to think of and hold onto.
As I try to find a way to conclude this post, I’m extremely nervous to share it, and unsure if I will. Writing it has been therapeutic but there’s a lot of vulnerability in sharing these emotions with the forever world known as the internet. I’m even a little nervous to share them with my editor (Oliver) even though he’s the most supportive reader and biggest fan I have. Emotions can coexist and vulnerability comes when you acknowledge ugly ones.
I’ve been clinging onto hope and optimism and I want to keep doing that, but there are moments that I struggle with it and I want to be honest with you about those days, too. I know a lot of you are hurting, scared, and lonely. You’re not alone in feeling that.
On those days please remember, my heart isn’t with me, it’s with you.
